Why do long term relationships break up when all seemed to be going ok? It must be said that appearances can be misleading. So happy on Instagram but reality can be another story. The reality is however there is a factor that can sometimes be at play for a resulting break up.
From my experience there is a crucial element that can be changed, and in a lot of cases, sadly not all cases, the relationship can be saved. I saw the movie “The Break Up” and you can really see how they just were not wanting to fix it.
I do want to focus on one specific thing that is a life saver, or in this case a relationship saver. So if you are reading this blog post and your relationship is under strain, I hope we can help you out with this.
Many factors can lead to a diminishing relationship over time, but as soon as you realise that things aren’t quite right you need to have a chat with each other. It’s at that point that this little piece of advice will have most effect.
What I’m talking about is a simple thing to understand but an impossible thing to do for some people. Let me paint a picture in order for you to understand what it takes.
We’ll use John and Mary for this story. Their love life is distant at times, they never do a night out with just the two of them, they don’t really get to chat much due to work, kids, and a busy schedule. They haven’t even noticed how it got to this stage, but they both know deep down its not right. Mary tries to make a little time for herself and asks John to look after the kids, but John now working many hours, is a bit stressed and tired. The thoughts of minding the kids when the football is on sounds a little bit of a drag. He reluctantly accepts but his body language and grunts let Mary know he is doing her a big favour. She picks up on this and asks why the attitude?. An argument is the result and silence follows. It becomes a barter system of house chores but both parties feel hard done by and even taken for granted. It is at this stage the old sex life is practically non existent.
As they say “Houston we have a problem.”
The element that can definitely help is this. Its a “C” word and its Compromise. Another way of putting it is to be humble. I’m not saying to be a door mat, I’m saying to put the other person above yourself in the list of importance. Bu instead see them at the same level as you , you’re not higher than them and your feelings matter equally. See things from their perspective and try to understand where they are coming from, even if you feel they don’t deserve it. It’s a case of giving it another go with a different perspective. Ask “how are they” followed with “how can I help”, when there is no argument happening and try do it before they approach you with a complaint. This is a loving thing to do, and in a loveless relationship can seem utter rubbish, but this is how you go about bringing the love back around. Let’s be honest it can be incredibly difficult when you feel they aren’t pulling their weight or they are even selfish in your opinion. But if you want love to reignite, well then you have to inject it. You only get back what you put in. You will have to bite your tongue, it will take time, but keep at it for with this way you now have a real chance of getting back to that place of romance.
Let the other person know how they made you feel. Communicate this when not in the heat of battle so they understand you. This is a big part of intervention when a couples relationship is in trouble, but you can do it yourself. It’s just simply saying how you feel and seeing how the other person feels they way they do.
In the movie “The break up” it’s so obvious they both where not prepared to compromise. Instead they felt that it was a game of who can get one over on the other. No respect but lots of animosity, how immature some might say, for a relationship is a partnership and there will be bumps in the road. I like how Helen Mirren puts it, she says “marriage is a partnership, and you sometimes need to negotiate certain things”.
To put it simply, approach your spouse and ask “How do you think we can fix things”, rather than approaching with a statement that points the finger or casts a judgement on the other person. Ask, don’t attack or accuse. This is the art of compromise for you are showing your partner that you care, and trust me, I’ve seen relationships restore with just that little thing of compromise, for sometimes listening will get better results than talking. If its too hard then maybe involve a mediator. Just don’t give up. Hope this helps and please do share your thoughts below.
If you need help with your relationship get in touch