Its not you, its me!

7 tips on turning somebody off you. What to do when somebody fancies you but you don’t fancy them? You like them but not in that way. Has it happened to you?

This can be a tricky situation to find yourself in. Life is plodding along just fine when all of a sudden your friend lets you in on the secret. They let you know that you have an admirer. Firstly you scan you thoughts to try figure out who this somebody might be. Then you realize you don’t have a clue. Full alert is declared on your senses to watch and see whom this character might be. Then your out one night with all your friends and one of your friends is laughing at all your jokes. They seem to be hanging on every word you say. They spend their time trying to get near to you all night, even if just for a moment. The penny drops, here before you is the culprit that is telling people he likes you. Now you feel like everybody is watching to see what your reaction to this friend will be. You don’t want to hurt him, he’s a nice guy, but he’s not “that” guy. He’s not and never will be the one you desire to live the rest of your life with. He is nice and funny, but not the one.

You double check your thoughts to see if there is any thread of a crush being woven for this potential lover-boy, but you conclude, he isn’t the guy you want. Sure he’ll make a great husband, but he won’t be yours. Now the dilemma ensues. Your best friend tells you how he really likes you and has done so for some time, which only leads to make things worse. This is more than a crush, its a full blown interest.

What to do next?
You don’t want to crush the guys feelings. What will your friends think if he gets upset, after all he is quite popular and you don’t want to be the villain in the story. Your friend says why not give it a go?, but you know that relationships aren’t for experimentation. A relationship is not some field test we carry out to figure out whether it would work or not. Although some people take this approach, it guarantees somebody gets hurt at the end of it. So what to do…what to do?!?! Here are a few tips to help:

1: Send word back
Whomever told you about this guy liking you needs to be told your views. Tell them you are not interested. Tell them he is really nice but you aren’t interested. You don’t want this to be news of the world, but you do want your friend to deliver the news directly. Why not just say it to his face yourself you may ask. This is because you are playing with somebody’s heart, so if you confront them on it, well, it could break their heart. So if letting your friend say it back will suffice, its information without confrontation and hopefully this will get him off your scent.

2: Don’t encourage it
It surprises me how many people will thrive on the fact that somebody likes them. They have no intention on engaging the relationship, but will flirt and flirt. They like the attention, yet they are leading their victim into a frustrating place of emotions. It might give a green light to the guy, then he could do something he regrets like lean in for a kiss only to be greeted with a “Stone Cold Steve Austin”. Thats a wrestler by the way. Its somebodies heart remember, so don’t play with it.

3: No special attention
Don’t give them attention more than anyone else. In fact it may be wisdom to avoid giving them any attention. The reason for this, is any attention you give will be amplified ten fold. To them it will be one more drop of petrol on their flame for you. It will be giving them hope that there is a chance. As long as they think there is a chance the crush continues. I’m not suggesting you blank them, but simply try not engage them. This will help send the message that you ain’t interested.

4: What to do with the gifts?
If the crush is getting more serious they will want to buy you stuff. We all like gifts but you may have to “return to sender”. In some cultures if the guy buys you something and you accept it, you might aswell be saying “I love you”. A gift symbolizes more than just a gift. Its an exchange that shows you, you are special to him. By excepting the gift you are accepting that you are special to him and therefore encourage more gifts. I must clarify that the gifts I’m talking about are the ones that are out of the ordinary. If they always buy you a birthday or Christmas gift then thats cool. If they are sending you flowers or romantic  gifts unlike before, then you know its different.

5: Its not you its me
There may come a time to confront the issue. I’ll admit its not an easy conversation, but if they aren’t getting the message you may have to deliver the famous words nobody wants to here said to them “its not you, its me”. Start by saying you like them as a friend but you are not interested in anything more than that. If they are a close friend tell them they are like a brother to you and thats how you want it to stay. Be clear, to the point, and do it without a long conversation. Short and sweet is the technique of choice. Don’t list off what you don’t like about them, just say you are not interested. I did see once how a guy was letting a girl down easy but he went on to list out her positives, then he listed her negatives . One negative to him was she was “a bit large” as he put it. She obsessed over these things to try and make her fit into his ideal, and in so doing went on a downward spiral of image issues. So keep it to the point and don’t explain your reasons.

6: Bunny Boiler
If they are a stranger or just an acquaintance, and if they become like a stalker even after you have told them they are not for you. They may be a little obsessed with you. This can happen for lots of reasons, which may not be anything to do with you. If you’ve seen the movie “Fatal Attraction” you know what I’m talking about. It is a fiction thriller, but it tells a dramatic story how a woman becomes obsessed with the married man she had an affair with, even after he stops it. She eventually stalks him and tries to kill his family. In the movie this all becomes apparent when their pet rabbit is mysteriously found in a pot on the stove. Hence the name “bunny boiler” came about. I’m not saying you have a bunny boiler on your hands but you must take precautions if they won’t take no for an answer. Its like when a celebrity attracts a stalker whom they have never met. The reality is there are strange people in the world. Make sure your family and friends are aware of this person. Any correspondence from them must be saved. Notify the police and let them be aware of the matter. I personally have experienced a friend go through this and it can be a worrying situation. Make sure you let everybody know not to give out your address,phone number,etc. Guard your facebook and other social networks. Do what you gotta do to protect yourself. This is not that common but I have seen it happen when a person becomes so deeply inthralled with a crush that they cannot stop their interest becoming and unhealthy obsession.

7: Don’t right anybody off
Besides the obsessive,weird,psycho types, don’t write anybody off. Although they may not take your fancy, and when you hear a love song they are the last person you would ever think of, don’t right anybody off. Sometimes things change. I’ve seen it with my own eyes on a few occasions. Somebody was not interested in another,even after the other person made it known they liked them. Then for whatever reason love would blossom even after a few years had passed. Sometimes the geekiest guy can become the hunk. No matter what its good to never write somebody off.

So in conclusion…
With all this in mind, love is a matter of the heart and cannot be decided by what type you go for or what he or she must look like. When I see a list of what a person is looking for in a partner I always say “throw out the list”. For love can sometimes be in the last place we look.

One thought on “Its not you, its me!

  1. Awwwh, we just read this and love your blog Pastor Mark, it’s encouraging LOL! Keep it up! God bless! :))

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