Friends with benefits, or should I say friends without commitment and just sexual gratification. So can it work, this simple arrangement? Some might say that it can work and others will say it can’t. I believe it can, but I’ll explain later how. They even made a movie about it. If I was to be lead by the novels and media out there, sex would seem as simple as blowing your nose. Are we now at a place in society that we can have sex with no strings attached?
There are things worth noting, and it is these factors that will have a bearing on the final outcome of whether its possible to have “Friends with benefits”.
It is a bit of a new fad this whole lets sleep together, but no emotional engagement is allowed. Some people even have a rule! A rule of no kissing, but everything else is ok, for they deem kissing an intimate and emotional connection. I don’t know your thoughts but last time I checked “sex” was a pretty intimate thing to say the least. Holding hands can even have an intimate level to it. The sad truth is as time goes by society is deeming sex as just a thing you do for fulfilling a desire, like having a burger when you are hungry. The reality is “sex” does have an emotional connection.
If however you find that its just a thing you do when you meet somebody in a bar, the problem here is you are diluting what sex is meant to be. You are putting it into the physical activity column rather than the relationship and intimacy column. You may think “whats wrong with putting it in the physical activity column?”. The problem is when you eventually engage in a relationship, you may not see sleeping with somebody else a big deal. You may even answer if caught “it was just once, it meant nothing”. This is because you have associated sex with physical fulfillment and not as relationship or intimate fulfillment.
As it is aptly called “Friends with benefits”, it is still a connection with another person, but allegedly only on a physical level. Maybe it was just the once you tried it, but the reality is you got very close. The fact is it is “sexual relations”, as was used in the Bill Clinton trial all those years ago. You are relating and communicating on a sexual physical level.
Let me ask a question, if it is just sex and nothing else, how would you feel about having multiple friends with benefits? Most people answer this question with “no way”. Why do they say “no way” if its just sex and nothing else? The most common thing people respond with is that it is like a prostitute to be so active with multiple partners at the same time. They would feel dirty or cheap. Why would it make you feel this way if its just sex?
The answer is a big NO its not just sex, for sex is the result of a loving relationship not the other way around. So don’t try to put the cart before the horse, it might work temporarily, but it wont work long term. Its never “just sex”, its you giving yourself to another person and that is a serious thing not some casual act.
There will come a time when you will desire a more close relationship, one that a friendship won’t fulfill. Sometimes people will feel that sex will fulfill a void in their lives that may be missing due to a failed relationship, or from being single for a time. I have seen so many times how this is faulty thinking. The void they are having is a lack of connection with another person of the opposite sex on an intimate level. This is where self control si required of you.
Friendships who engage in “friends with benefits” arrangement generally don’t last as friends anyway, for when a boyfriend or girlfriend comes along there is an awkwardness an uneasiness, so the friendship tends to dissipate. So is it worth the risk for you and them?
I’m sure you’ll all agree that it is a very selfish thing. Having somebody whom you use for sex. The problem is it tends to make a person see sex as a way of getting. But love is not about getting, it is about giving. If you view sex as a way of getting you may bring that attitude into your marriage, and that would most definitely cause problems down the road. What a terrible thing to be so selfish and use somebody like that. Its a mutual arrangement but not one that will benefit you or them in the longterm. Shouldn’t you value yourself more than that? And if you truthfully call them your friend, shouldn’t you value them more than yourself, and out of respect, not use them?
Its mutual, its ok:
To be able to guarantee that neither of you will develop any feelings is incredibly naive. I have never heard this even being possible. You are a human and so are they. You both harvest a mind, will, and emotions. It is practically impossible to switch off what makes you human. My advice, don’t place with fire, you might get burnt for you are not a robot or an android.
I always believe everything we do can be summed up by the question “will it bring a positive or negative result?” So regarding this topic will it effect your future relationship in a positive or negative way? How would a potential partner view you if he/she knew you would use people for sex? Do you think it paints a good image of your character? By showing how sex can mean nothing to you, do you think that they will like that fact? If they meet the friend you slept with, will that be a joyous occasion?
The truth be told, this “Friends with benefits” thing is definitely something that could cause more problems than you might think.
How to make “Friends with benefits” work:
The great news is “Friends with benefits” can work, but only when you are married to each other. See your husband/wife as your best friend, your BFF as they say. But you don’t just have sex, instead you “make love”. You get to enjoy sex on an intimate, emotional, physical level all at the same time. The problem with “Friends with benefits” outside of marriage is it can have negative effects on your true friend with benefits, the one whom you marry. A knock on effect. You may feel indestructible and think that you can handle it, but from experience, its not worth it and it may come back to haunt you.
The good news is the “Friend with benefits” should only be your spouse. You may have made mistakes but its never too late to get it right. Make a decision to wait. To wait for true love, for this has so many benefits that I couldn’t fit them all on paper. Benefits on levels you may not even know about. The biggest of the benefits is LOVE.
I hope this helps, and please leave any comments below. Mark Fennell signing off for now. God bless you.